Williamsburg is Dead

Williamsburg Ist Gut. Ja.

Does anyone speak German? Whilst scanning the news feeds on Williamsburg today, I came upon a rather curious item: an article about the Burg, written completely in Deutsch. It's called "Brief Aus Brooklyn: Perfekte Burger in Williamsburg," and it appears that some culinary-inclined German gent has discovered his favorite hamburger. A scan of the text reveals repeated use of the words Burger, Diner, Berry, Bedford, and Durchgebraten. So if my decryption effort is correct, the story goes as follows: an anonymous lederhosen-laden lad dropped by Diner, ate the perfekte burger, marveled to himself upon his discovery, and promptly durchgebratened with some new friends. An alternate reading, however, suggests a moonlit stroll followed by skinny-dipping in the company of a one-legged orangutan and Barbara Streisand.   

Free Williamsburg is Dead

Williamsburg is Dead is now collaborating with FREEwilliamsburg to bring you even more Williamsburgy news and insightful commentary and comical photoshop abominations! We'll be posting over there occasionally, but don't worry, Williamsburg is Dead will continue running as strong as ever. How? Err, caffeine pills and Ritalin? Anywho, now you should check into both blogs because both of them will contain the inane ramblings of the WID staff. Slowly, Williamsburg is Dead will expand, infiltrating blog after blog, until every single snarky musing you read on the internets will be written by us ...

Tragic-Comic, Old-World, Intrusive Weekend Guide

There's so much to do in Williamsburg this weekend! Put on your skinniest jeans, down a Sparks and prepare your most disaffected pose--it's time for our groin grabbingly good to-do list.

Tonight you can watch movies under the stars instead of inside a theater like an asshole. Rooftop Films presents the Animation Block Party, an animated orgy of 80 different shorts. Beforehand, the sweet, electro-pop songs of Plushgun will make you feel like you just ate a happiness sandwich. Afterwards, the open bar afterparty at Matchless (557 Manhattan Ave) will make you forget everything you just witnessed. At 50 N. Bedford Ave, doors at 8pm, $9.

Tomorrow, the unfortunately named Head Cheese Cabaret previews at Don Pedro (90 Manhattan Ave). What can you expect? How about "a motley crew of rising cabaret upstarts including tragic-comic monologists, old world musicians, intrusive mimes, dueling opera divas, Biblical burlesque acts, sword swallowing and various other performers." Intrusive mimes? I don't even like regular mimes. But hey, I don't judge, except for always. Saturday, July 26, 10pm, $8 at the door.

Just in case you live alone in a cave inside of another cave, MGMT is headlining this Sunday's free McCarren Park Pool Party, with nice old British ladies the Tings Tings opening.

Let's Drink to Heath!

Down By The Hipster reports Heath Ledger's posthumous pet project FiveLeaves will be opening on the corner of Bedford and Lorimer by the end of the summer.  From the pictures on DBTH it looks like it's going to be a classy joint (and because it was done by the designer who did Moto, I'm sure it will be.) 
I, however was hoping it would be more along the lines of Vinny Vela's with snapshots of Heath on every square inch of table space, a constant stream of his movies and posters and articles about him pasted all over the walls.
Oh well...Here's to Heath for giving us another place to drink!

Gallery Openings, July 25-26

Forming Lines: Translations Between Drawing and Sculpture, group show, at Like the Spice Gallery, 224 Roebling St, July 25-Aug 31, opening reception Friday, July 25, 6:30pm-10pm

Preview: Translations between two and three-dimensional space, the works in this show explore the relationship between line and form. Drawings are both reference and original; sculptures are end product or study and vice versa. This exhibition acts as a Rosetta Stone for visual translation, exploring how drawings turn out when realized in three dimensions and the ways a sculpture's color, form and scale change when documented in two dimensions.

5 Identities, 5 Destinations, group show, at Ad Hoc Art, 49 Bogart St, July 25-Aug 24, opening reception Friday, July 25, 7pm-10pm 

Preview: Ad Hoc Art presents 5 Identities, 5 Destinations, an art exhibition featuring the work of international emerging female artists from the realms of pop surrealism, Asian pop, contemporary folk, and a handful of other fringe contemporary art movements.

Least Illuminating Story About Williamsburg Ever Published

In the center of this map lies a promising new neighborhood. They call it . . . "Williamsburg."

Looks like AM New York just heard about this cool new up and coming neighborhood, so they thought they'd check it out. But they had their doubts--they heard it was only for hipsters. They paid it a visit anyways, and it turns out all kinds of people live there! And they do all kinds of different things! What fun!

There. I just paraphrased the most inane story published about Williamsburg yet. And it was four pages long. Either this piece got lost on the copy editor's desk for ten years or so, or AM New York is even less savvy than The Observer. And the Observer thinks Atlantic City is the next Williamsburg.

Diminutive Murder Suspect on the Loose

The hunt is on for murder suspect Michael Torres, 19, who allegedly shot and killed another man at a Williamsburg bus stop. According to NY1, the 5' 3" Torres' last known address was on Bushwick Avenue. [NY1]

Williamsburg is Dead wrote on your wall

Ah, the L train, where skinny, timid men drool over made-up hipster girls and longtime locals wonder what the hell they did to deserve this traveling freak show. Also, it's on Facebook!

The Subway Status app is extremely entertaining, especially the L train's page. There are tons o' angry wall posts directed at the line's crowded cars and shitty service. Most importantly, there is a missed connections section. Can you help these people out?

A quiet man posts:

You were reading a comic book on the way into Manhattan. I tried to read the title from spine but couldn't--not great glasses and not wanting to be obvious. You might have noticed my intrigue, but I was too shy to catch your eyes or wink; I kinda wanted to wink. ;)

Aw, it's cute and it also kind of makes me want to throw up. Still, it's better than this guy off the Montrose stop: 

I was at the end of the track emptying my bladder when I heard approaching footsteps stop at noticing me. I turned to see you. You pretended to not see me. I gave a shake, zipped up and turned to introduce myself but you were gone among the crowd. I went to look for you, but instead I found myself throwing my excess Budlite into a trashcan. By the time I cleaned up, the train had come and gone, and you with it. I don't remember what you looked like, but I remember wanting to have sex with you.

Classy, East Williamsburg.

P.S. Join our Facebook group!

OMFG YES

I just saw this on Curbed. It's a video for the 358 Grove condo building in Bushwick. Let it wash over you, infiltrate your pores and your imagination, until you too know Daphne's pain. 

Curbed: Daphne Really, Really Wants You at Bushwick's 358 Grove (Click through for Daphne's awesome life story.)

The Williamsburg Etiquette Guide: Going to Shows

A Williamsburg indie show with proper etiquette observed.

Welcome to another installment of the Williamsburg Etiquette Guide. It's all the information you'll need in order to maintain the proper amounts of irony, hipness and counterculture know-how whilst dwelling in or visiting the ‘Burg.

Rule #1: Never let anyone hear you call it the ‘Burg.

Onto today’s topic: Indie rock shows. We shall discuss the proper protocol to follow when attending the many concerts held around the city, especially those in Williamsburg.

When attending a show, you must first select which of the three primary roles you will take on as an audience member. You may choose from the following:

1. The apparently only-mildly-interested attendee with an air of detached cool, who has only shown up “cause he got in for free.”
2. The enthusiastic camera-phone wielder clustered in the mob upfront, who documents every gesture the guitarist of the obscure opening band makes for inclusion in his/her blog or facebook page.
3. The merrily flailing man who is dancing and genuinely having a good time. This man is usually alone, and generally shunned. Choosing this option is not recommended.